The "Productive"

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Getting Better At Faking It

I've been opening a lot of doors recently (both literally and metaphorically speaking) especially ever since my last post. I guess I've been trying to prove to everyone, including myself, that I am capable of bringing out and expressing my softer side. The thing about putting your thoughts on display for the whole public to see is that you start holding yourself more accountable to your own words. It's honestly a good disciplining process since no one likes admitting their own wrongdoings. It's like telling your ego to go fuck off and no one likes treating their ego like that. It's not nice. But sometimes a little self-intervention is necessary in order to keep everything in check and make sure we're not getting ahead of ourselves. I guess Louis would agree with me in that we're all moral hypocrites to some extent:
“I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of ’em. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They’re my little believies; they make me feel good about who I am.” - Louis CK
While he is exaggerating for comedic purposes, Louis does make a good point about how we're not always morally in sync with ourselves. Battling our inner demons is something we do on a daily basis. We can't always be that super nice guy/gal that we think we should be. It's just impossible to leave perfect impressions and make everyone happy all the time. This is why I've begun to embrace my darker side a lot more recently. As much as I would love to cuss my boss out and throw him out of the window from time to time, I've learned to fake a smile instead while keeping my imagination active. And yes, I know, I went on a rant about people faking their smiles just last week and here I am acting like one of those people. But see, I feel like this kind of hypocrisy is justified. I've had to change my attitude and behavior as a result of living in a new environment. While my opinions haven't undergone a full 180°they are certainly less radical. This, however, does not suggest that I've become any more content with "work" if I even choose to call it that. I'm constantly testing to see how far I can push past my limitations while remaining out of trouble. I'm sorry but that is a part of my nature that I simply can't let go. I would rather die than be forced to work for the man. This is why I've begun to direct my energy on writing blogs. I thought that it would be a good entrepreneurial skill to have if I want to at least begin to steer away from that 9-5 lifestyle. What I didn't realize was the added benefits that naturally comes with writing on a consistent basis. Speaking from my measly 2-week experience, I'm noticing that my conversations are a lot more articulate, I'm more focused in general, and that my vocabulary has significantly improved. It feels like I'm at least being somewhat rewarded for all those hours spent trying to squeeze as many SAT words as I could in my head for that stupid reading section. So ya, sorry for the ramblings. After just taking a one-week break from writing, I'm feeling a little rusty again so sorry if it didn't meet your expectations. I'm still getting used to this new routine so the least I can do is continue writing on a consistent basis. Hopefully, when I look back at these earlier blogs in the future, I'll get a good sense of progress and chuckle at some of these lame writing attempts.